I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
