I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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