He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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