The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize