2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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