Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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