the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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