I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
