"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
