i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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