I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All the doctor said was why
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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