I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
