I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
