Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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