Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
