Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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