I heard we made out
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i think im in europe. pls send help
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
