I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
