Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
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We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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