The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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