That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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