you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
