I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it because I queefed?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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