I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
