I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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