I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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