I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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