That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
