my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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