You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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