i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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