This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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