Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
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We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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