put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
