Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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