On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
