'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
