in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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