I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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