Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
