Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
