I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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