I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
