my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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