So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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