Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
