who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
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I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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