Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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