im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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