i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
