she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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