i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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