I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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