i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
